Timing

"Life is all about timing...the unreachable becomes reachable,

the unavailable becomes available, the unattainable...attainable.

Have the patience. Wait it out.

It's all about timing." 

-Stacey Charter

It is just not my time to share the wonderful news that I so very much wish to share.

Matt and I have decided to take a break from Clomid.  Since I only have 3 cycles left to take it, we are just going to take it easy for a while...before jumping into the vigorous temp taking, Clomid swallowing that I have been doing.

...but I will not be a stranger to my blog that I so love.  I'll be back with next week's post.

I hope you all had a love-filled, wonderful Christmas.

See you next year, -Natalie

music for lack of words

"So can you understand,

why I want a daughter while I'm still young?

I wanna hold her hand and show her some beauty

before this damage is done.

But if it's too much to ask

if it's too much to ask...

...then send me a son."



Curiouser and curiouser...

"That's logic."

Ahoy, and other nautical expressions!

Oddly enough, I am two days into my 2ww! ...and I am only on cd 15! If you recall my previous blog posts, I am a late ovulator-I usually O on cd 23 or 24.  Just when I think that things are getting a little predictable, reality swoops in and says, "Oh, reeeeeally? You think you've got it figured out? Here's a dose of ME!"

 

Worst of all, it has made my mother right.  Having your mother be right can suck at any age. Especially when she comes from the old school mentality of "just relax, let it happen...".  Even though I had research and over a hundred days of taking my temperature to support me, my mom was able to pinpoint when I would O based on a feeling she had.

She told me about a week and a half ago to ttc on cycle days 13-16.

"...but Mom, I ovulate late. Historically."

"I know, but just keep it in mind for me. It's been on my mind to tell you this.

I just have a feeling."

The next thing you would have seen, if words of advice were visible, would be those words exiting out my right ear.  I had charts on my side. Averages. I did the thing that we daughters do oh so well: I smiled and nodded okay.  And then I forgot.

Skip forward to this past Friday, and I was having my follicles checked on cd 10.  It was kind of uncomfortable, but nothing to get nervous about, if I have to do it again.  Basically they are using a wand to check everything out from the inside.  I asked as many questions as I could think of.  They measured the amount of follicles I had on both ovaries, counted how many I had that were over 10 mm, and measured the lining of my uterus. 

fyi:

For a follicle to be deemed the "primary follicle" or "mature" it needs to be around 18mm.

Follicles grow 1-2 mm a day.

The lining of the uterus needs to be around 6-8 mm.

I had 5 follicles on my left ovary that were over 10 mm, and 6 follicles on my right ovary that were over 10 mm. The largest was on my right side and was almost 13 mm.  I was given three different measurements for my lining and they averaged out to be around 6 mm. Sounds pretty good, huh?  I was advised to begin taking opk's on cd 11. Sunday, cd 12, I had plans to drive to Waco to move my little sister home for the holidays from Baylor University (Well, hello RG3!).  I was BAFFLED when, just before I was about to leave, sans husband, I got a bfp opk! So baffled, in fact that I took 3 more opk's, just to be sure.  After I saw the second bfp opk, there was one thing I was sure of: there was no way I was leaving for Waco that night.

Needless to say, I postponed my trip until the following morning. 

I also ovulated that day-cd 13.  My temperature yesterday, cd 14 confirmed it with a huge spike from the progesterone that was released with the egg from the primary follicle. Did you know that progesterone actually attracts sperm?



In addition to furthering the maturing of the egg in the follicle, it links up to a protein that signals the sperm's tail to wiggle back and forth, helping it to propel to the egg, according to LiveScience.com.  DISCLAIMER: Please forgive me for all the information, I have become quite the fertility geek through my experience.

                                                                                                                                                           

To sum the last five days up, I now have an appointment to get my progesterone level checked again on cd 28.  My level is sure to be higher than the last time, which was .44,  since I am 99% sure I ovulated (still waiting on a third high temperature to fully confirm it). 

Until next week, my daydreaming is in full gear.  Hopefully, this Christmas - which is about two weeks away ;) - will be the best Christmas ever.

 Here's to singing "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late....",  -Natalie

                                                                      

          

Double it!

"You can take that, and double it!"

This guy, my husbands bff, knows all about "doubling it"...

...and now I do, too.

Last night was my last double dose of Clomid for my current cycle. The medications presence in my body has been pretty noticeable this new double time around. Oh, and something to know if you ever are on Clomid: When you go from 50mg to 100mg, you are not getting a different sized pill, you are taking two pills as opposed to one. ...and you are paying for the additional pills, too. That's right, I went from paying about $100 for five pills to paying almost $200 for ten pills. Unfortunately, fertility drugs are not covered by insurance. Lame, huh?

Friday night was my first time to take the two "Clo-pills".  I hardly have enough time to take a swig of water before they start melting on my tongue, and they taste terrible. 

I woke up Saturday with a terrible stomachache. My tum was swollen and made really weird noises all day.  It was like I could hear my body reacting.  I felt some mild throbbing sensations in my ovaries, which were also a bit swollen. "A bit" actually meant that I could literally see two lumps where my ovaries are located, and I could feel them, from the outside, as well. Fortunately that went away by the end of the day. 

I have said this before, Clomid makes me feel good. It is so bizarre. I feel more collected, calm, happy(?) when I am on it (obviously minus the stomachache).  This is completely opposite of what I have read in online blogs and forums where Clomid was described as such a crazy pill.  I'm thankful I have not had any real issues with it yet.

So now I'm on cd 8. I had talked to Gina, my dr's p.a.-I should've just mentioned her name the first time-about having my follicles checked. She said they did that around cd 11, which would be Saturday for me. I guess I should call and maybe schedule something for this Friday (cd 10) or Monday (cd 13). I have a slight feeling like I might be bothersome or annoying, calling and asking for these appts, but I wash that feeling away with my incredibly surplus-ing feeling of wanting to do anything possible to help me achieve pregnancy. 

Gotta do what you gotta do, -Natalie

Round three

I'm nervous.

Two nights ago, while sitting in the most fabulous book group, I'll have to share about it later, but check out two great reviews here and here -thank you Anna and Ericka- anyways, while sitting there my dr.'s p.a called.  She said that after discussing my last cycle's mess, that my dr. wanted to double my Clomid dose this month. Cue my nerves.

So, for my next cycle, on cd 3, instead of taking one 50mg pill of Clomid, I will be taking two. Did I mention that that is today...? Yes, I am in a new cycle-relieved to move on from the last confusing cycle-and today is cd 3.

I have talked with my dr's p.a every night this week since Monday. It's kind of ironic, because Tuesday during the day, I was discussing with a friend that I was considering switching doctors. I felt like I wasn't as much of a priority as the girls who were already pregnant. However, as soon as I vocalized my concern, I have been in communication with that office every night since. It's a relief, I've been with my dr. since I was 19, and I really do like her.

I guess I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I did not O last cycle, even though I was on Clomid. There are really two factors that have me so nervous about doubling my Clomid dose. First, I definitely noticed a change in myself while on Clomid. It was a relief that I didn't feel like a crazy person, but I did feel a little out of sorts at times. Will doubling my dose make me a crazy person?

Yikes. Remember her? I wonder if she was on Clomid...?

What is it going to do to my body? I could feel the single dose's affects on my body. Will this be worse?

Second, what if it works?

Haha, I know...that's the whole point, but again, what if it works? The feeling that this question gives me is kind of indescribable. A few words that do come to mind: oh my goodness, ahh, eee, (huge breath suck-in).... It's a nervous, anxious type of feeling.

I have prepped Matt for what I feel might come: more anti-emotions (where I don't care about other's feelings), weight gain (I reeeeally hope this doesn't happen, being that it's holiday season DOES NOT help), and lower stomach pains. I explained to him that these symptoms are what I have to go through for us. So naturally, he has to sacrifice and endure some things, too. Example: instead of picking battles, getting used to just waving a white flag,

giving more love than I deserve,

Might be necessary.

and complimenting me in my favorite pink sweat pants.

I refuse to buy larger sized jeans-you know, the comfy kind that you slip on when you get home. My comfy jeans have become my normal jeans. I refuse to gain weight, too, but it seems like with Clomid, I don't have much say in that.

So, if you see my sweet husband, please be extra nice to him. I'm going to try my hardest to be the sweetest southern belle I can be, but girls, we all know sometimes we can just lose our grip on hormones and they can get the best of us. Woopsie....

"Just listen and nod, listen and nod..."

Thankfully, it's such a jolly time of year and I have a wonderful family and amazing friends. I need you this month! I'm strong, but still a little scared. Thank you for being there for me, I already know you will be. :)

Ho, ho, hormonal, -Natalie