Are you my babies?

**Today is my last day that I am releasing these "hidden" posts from when I hadn't yet revealed my pregnancy. I'm sorry if they have confused you! Today, February 23, I am 12 weeks 3 days pregnant and very happy! Next week I'll resume with my current posts, after my 13 week sonogram.  (YAY! Can't wait to see my babies again!) I'm going to take a small break until then. I'm so appreciative of all the kind things and congratulations that have been said to me. Thank you so much!**

FEBRUARY 8, 2012
PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED POST 9 OF 9

I feel like I should be able to feel them.

Don't you think, if you had two babies, the size of limes, and they were moving around in you, that you would be able to feel it?

Last night, after a warm bath, and putting all of my Mama Mio creams and lotions on (I'm trying to prevent stretch marks, ya'll!) I laid in my bed, closed my eyes, placed my hands over my belly, and tried to focus on feeling them move.  If I could just not breath, I think that would help.  I felt what I thought could have been them, but it may have just been normal tummy rumblings.  I fell asleep in the process. 

I can't wait to really feel and interact with them.  It's going to be amazing.  The thought of Matt feeling them move for the first time, ah! Amazing!! So many amazing things...

Well, I was about to close this, but wanted to include one more thing. Do you remember the Dr. Suess book, "Are you my Mother?" by P.D. Eastman?



It came to mind as I was writing.  My mom used to read it to me and my sister.  It was one of my favorite books.  I was reminded of it, because last night when I was trying to feel my babies, I was thinking all the while, "It's, me, your mommy....". 

I have been so overcome with emotion lately.  When Madonna came on for the half-time show during the Super Bowl on Sunday, I literally got choked up as those first few chords of Vogue were played.  Then last night I was reminiscing about wonderful memories I shared with some of my best girl friends which left me teary-eyed, and now today it's this book doing it to me!  Ha!

Maybe I'm not really feeling my babies yet, but I'm certainly feeling other things!

All the more excited, -Natalie

My lovely lady bump

FEBRUARY 7, 2012
PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED POST 8 OF 9


Check it out.

8 weeks

10 weeks

My little baby bump is getting more difficult to conceal!  When I walk around at work I try to suck in as much as possible or hold my hand or arm over my mid-section.  It will be so nice to walk more comfortably when I can finally tell everyone next week. 

I love walking among strangers.  I feel like I can be so open with my pregnancy.  I rub my belly when I walk.  I tell every stranger that I come into contact with that I'm pregnant with twins.  Last night it was our waitress at Longhorn Steak and Ale and the guy at the check-out at HEB.

I can't even think to write much more than this, I am so hungry right now.  Snack time!

Lay off me, I'm starving, -Natalie

UPDATE-I got a bite to eat, and wanted to share their growth!  Our babies are now each the size of a lime. :)

So sweet!

Love letter

FEBRUARY 4, 2012
PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED POST 7 OF 9

Dear babies,

Your daddy loves you so much already.  This morning, although I was awake, I hadn't opened my eyes yet, your daddy rolled over and started rubbing the small bump on my belly where you, my loves, are.

"Good morning, babies. I'm your daddy."

It was so sweet.  On our way to work, he was giddy with happiness and excitement about the two of you.  He had the biggest smile the entire ride into town.

It makes me so happy when I think about how much you are already loved.  Your Aunt Andrea loves to greet you by whispering hello's into my belly button-I tell her to speak quietly so as not to hurt your tiny growing ears.  Aunt Betsy just can't wait for you to get here!  Your Aunt Nicole loves you so much already, too, and cannot wait to start buying little outfits once we know your genders.  Grandma left me a message the other day that she had bought you a book!  This was kind of surprising because she had previously said she didn't believe in buying gifts until you are here-even she couldn't resist!  Oma can't wait to start buying you gifts as well!  Aunt Dawn got teary thinking about how she is your aunt and her son Kristian, your cousin, knows you are in my belly and can't wait to meet you!  We have the best friends in Chris and Anna and cannot wait to have all of our children together and watch you play and interact.  These are just a small handful of friends and family that already love you, but I will promise you this, there are so many more!

I am so happy, honored, and blessed to be your mommy.  I have waited and wanted you for so long.  You will be born into so much love it makes my heart swell.  My love grows for you everyday and I give my belly lots of rubs as a reminder.  There are not words for how thankful we are for your beating hearts and growing bodies.

Thankfully yours, -Your Mommy

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart."  Psalm 37.4

Heartbeats!!

JANUARY 31, 2012
PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED POST 6 OF 9


It's been a while since I wrote one of these "hidden" posts. About two weeks actually. Today I am 9 weeks and a day pregnant. I just wrote my Writer's block post and now I am soooooo flipping excited for Valentine's day!!!

Our babies are now the size each of a prune.

Two weeks ago, at 7 weeks pregnant, we got to hear the most incredible, amazing sounds I have ever heard; our babies heartbeats. Check it out!  Twin A was in a weird position and so we were just barely able to make out his/her heartbeat, but Twin B was in a great position and came through pretty clear!  You may need to turn your volume up. :)

Yesterday, although Matt was only able to wait with me in the waiting room for my appt before he had to leave for his chiropractor appt...did I tell you that he has a sport's hernia and won't require surgery?...more on that another time, anyway, I went to see Dr. Wilder alone.  As always, it was a great visit with a few of my questions answered. More importantly was this though: I, for the first time, had warm jelly placed on my belly and a Doppler device was used to hear our babies heartbeats! This was the first time I have ever experienced that! All other sonograms had been done internally. It was so cool! Their little heartbeats came through the speaker of the device loud and clear. I tilted my head back and laughed a little, it was amazing.

It's taken me some time to write about the first time I heard their heartbeats. I was afraid that something would change. I'm cautious with my happiness...and writing about this experience really is such a happy punch of reality.  After my appt yesterday, Dr. Wilder told me that my risk of miscarriage has now been reduced to 3%. 3%!! I loved hearing that.  He said that even being able to hear their heartbeats at this stage was only a 30% chance!  Our babies seem to be doing just great.  Thank you God.

So now I am just brimming with anticipation. I cannot wait to allow everyone to join me on this journey.  Sometimes I tear up at night just imagining how it's going to feel to finally share with everyone how Matt and I have been blessed. We are so very, very thankful.

Dr. Wilder told me that it was probably safe for me to share my news now.  I have a sonogram on February 13th, I will be 11 weeks.  So, with one week before I had previously planned, I will be making my big announcement the following day, Valentine's day.  If you are reading this, it is after I have done my big reveal....ah!! So exciting!!

Lots of love and excitement, -Natalie

Bliss

JANUARY 13, 2012
PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED POST 5 OF 9


On my very worst day of being pregnant and perhaps miserable, I hope I remember the joy of how happy I am to even be pregnant. I waited for so long, longing to be where I am today, at 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my precious twins, who, by the way, are now each the size of a blueberry.

 

Monday can't be here soon enough. Matt and I will hopefully be able to hear our love's heartbeats for the first time. I need this appointment. Since it is so early, I really need some kind of reassurance that I am still pregnant. I can't feel them yet, and I'm not really even showing, aside from a little pregnant pouch that comes from all of my hormones.  I really hope that both babies stay with me, and that when we go in for our appointment, we will see healthy growth. 


I am the happiest girl in the world. Have I already said that? I'll say it again: I am the happiest girl in the world.  I hope time passes quickly so that soon, that moment that I have dreamed of, where I hold my baby, now babies, for the first time will be here. Bliss. :)

...and more fireworks, -Natalie

TWINS!!!!

JANUARY 5, 2012
PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED POST 4 OF 9
We're having twins!! We're having twins!! We're having twins!!!!!

Here is how it all came about! Ahh!!!!

Yesterday, Matt got to meet Dr. Wilder for the first time, it was after my very first sonogram.

Let's talk about that first.

I don't think I mentioned this from my last post about Dr. Wilder, but the reason he wanted to do my first sonogram so early is because my progesterone levels were so high.  The conversation went a little bit like this:

"61, huh? That could be an indicator of...what?"

"...twins?"

Small giggle. "You got it, let's have you back in next week."

Small giggle back. I could feel my eyes twinkling.

So, yesterday, after telling work that we were having work done on our house, we left to go to catch our first glimpse of our growing baby.

They sent us back to the room pretty quickly. I changed into a gown, while Matt sat in a small chair next to the bed.  The sonogram was internally administered. It was really sweet, when I winced a little as the nurse was getting everything in place, Matt rubbed my arm. I assured him I was ok, it was uncomfortable, but not painful.

I was asked how far along I was, and answered with 5 weeks.  It bothered me slightly when she responded with, "Well, you must be really early because I'm not seeing a whole lot of anything..." Rude.

After a few minutes she let us know that she could see a "little speck".  I told her that the main reason that Dr. Wilder had me there so early was because he suspected that I might have twins.  She just kind of nodded, and said "hmm", but then just about a minute later said, "Oh, there it is...another speck!"

Matt and I started to get our cheese smiles on and I began my happy giggles, but they were shortly lived because the nurse told us, "Now, this doesn't necessarily mean anything, you'll have to talk to your doctor about it." She then, incorrectly told me that they weren't embryos yet.  WRONG. An embryo is the fertilized egg after it has implanted.  You get your positive test from hCG which is emitted once implantation occurs, which I clearly have.  I didn't correct her, after she incorrectly corrected me. She just didn't know who she was dealing with! Haha, oh well.

We couldn't help ourselves. We were quite giddy in the waiting room.  Matt had taken a picture on his phone of the sonogram...I was certain it was of twins!! We just kept staring at it and laughing...twins!!  Ah!!

After the sonogram, we were able to meet with Dr. Wilder.  He came into our room with a bright smile and was pointing at the picture of my two sweet little embryos. "Twins!", he said with a smile.  I smiled and nodded my head yes excitedly, "Twins!".  He did a quick exam on me, yes Matt was there, he did great, and explained that because it was so early, there is not a 100% chance that they will both stay.  Sometimes, in the gestational process, you'll be able to see the two embryos, and then come back a few weeks later and only be able to see one, we were told. 

Matt really liked Dr. Wilder.  Sharing our news with our family was awesome, even if it left my parents a little short for words, initially. We are praying that both of our growing babies will be able to stay with us, forever.  Matt admitted that when the nurse had said she had seen only one "speck", he was slightly disappointed because he had gotten his hopes up a little for twins.  I had, too.  We are so very thankful for the most amazing blessing of two babies.

Here they are! Our precious little growing babies! Love at first sight.

We initially were going to keep the news just to ourselves, but then I got to thinking...I was already having to keep my pregnancy a secret from almost everyone...I had to at least be able to tell our family and a couple of close friends about them. So, we did. ..and it was amazing!! Everyone was so excited!! Matt had confused his parents at first about not knowing if there were two or not..how could we possibly not know! Haha...it was fun when the truth was finally revealed!  My parents were very shocked at first. My dad was speechless! (Which rarely happens!) ...but then, once the shock of two babies faded away, all that was left was pure happiness.  This is such a blessing!!

The happiest girl in the world, -Natalie

What really happened

DECEMBER 30, 2011
PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED POST 3 of 9

Yesterday, I met Dr. Wilder for the first time.  It was only supposed to be a consultation, but because I found out I was pregnant last weekend, my appointment went a bit differently.

I had had a quantitative blood pregnancy, or hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin), test on Tuesday with my previous dr.  There are two different types of blood pregnancy tests that can be administered; quantitative and qualitative. Quantitative hCG test gives you an actual amount of hCG that is present in the blood-hCG is the pregnancy hormone.  Qualitative hCG tests basically gives you a yes/no answer by telling whether or not hCG is present.  Anyway, I was told that my hCG level was at "100.something", by previous dr, and that my progesterone level was at 61. Normal level of progesterone at my stage of pregnancy, I'm 4 weeks :) , can be between 9-47. Interesting....hopefully soon I'll know whether or not that means anything. 

When I met with Dr. Wilder, after the great response he gave me from giving him alllll of my charts, haha, he decided to run another hCG test on me. As of 3pm this afternoon, I'm anxious to hear what my levels are.  I was told that hCG levels are supposed to double. We'll see what I'm doing.

How could I have forgotten to mention this until the end (well, nearly end) of my post?!....I have reached the coveted 18 dpo today!! My temps have remained at 97.9 the last several days.  I'm not sure if I will continue taking my temperature.  It will be kind of odd not doing it, as I have done it every morning at 6AM since August.

I could not be happier.  It's hard not to have a permanent cheese smile, but I have to play it down. Only our general manager and salesman, both of whom I work closest with, know at work.  I cannot wait to get out of my first trimester. I want to know that this baby is safe and healthy for the long haul. 

My baby.
Mine.
I'm going to have a baby.

I am only technically 2 weeks pregnant, however you start counting from the first day of your last period, or for us savvy fertility people-if you read my blog, you can count yourself- cycle day 1 (cd1).  So that is where the other 2 weeks are coming from.  Unbelievably, next week Matt and I get to go to our first sonogram!!  Can you believe that?! I never imagined I would get to do it so soon...but this dr, he's a keeper, and he is setting the plan for me just as I had hoped for.

I cannot wait!!!

Pure bliss, -Natalie

Not telling people

DECEMBER 29, 2011
PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED POST 2 of 9

Today I wrote the timing post. I wrote about how it wasn't the time for me to share the news that I so wanted to share-however, it wasn't me that I was talking about, it was for my blog.  It wasn't the time yet to share it here.  We have agreed to only have our family and a small handful of our family friends know. Not sharing my happy news on my blog is killing me...and kind of breaking my heart.  Until we are in the clear with this pregnancy, we aren't sharing the news.

I had always been excited about my little "plan" to surprise everyone once I had cleared my first trimester. I had no idea how hard it would be. Brittany O.: today you wrote on my fb that you were eager to read my blog. This was the week after Christmas. I sooo wanted to tell you!

Writing these unpublished posts, and then releasing them, will hopefully make up for my little trick of surprising everyone in February. I have a feeling it is going to be hard to come up with posts that don't have to do with me being pregnant. In the first trimester, your risk for miscarriage ( I despise even typing that word) is at it's highest. I just couldn't bear having to tell more than my family and a handful of friends if that were to happen.  Hopefully you can understand.

So, if you stuck around, through my non-baby posts, thank you. I tried not to blatantly lie in the Timing post.  Hopefully now that you know, read it again, you'll see the truth shining through it.

One happy and thankful mommy, -Natalie

The night and morning we found out

DECEMBER 24, 2011
PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED POST 1 of 9

Yesterday I got my very first faint bfp.

It was right before Matt and I were to go out for sushi for Christmas eve-eve. Never did I expect to see those two lines before dinner! I had bought the tests to take on Christmas eve and Christmas day, but couldn't help myself and tested early.

I knew I couldn't tell Matt yet. What if I was wrong? I needed more tests, more results. I needed to put my "let's go to dinner" face on and act completely normal. I had a special way I wanted to tell Matt.

Dinner was almost impossible. It was all I could think of. I tried not to seem distracted. Later that night, I thought I only had 2 tests left. I decided to hold onto them until the next morning, so I could hopefully get a stronger line.  I was overcome with nerves as I lie in bed. I tossed and turned and tried to put it out of my mind. I would get excited, and then I would shake my head, "no...don't be excited, don't get your hopes up"-I would try to tell myself. After a few hours of this I finally decided to get up, I had to use the bathroom reaaaaallly bad, and scavenge for another test. Low and behold, I found a dollar store test from last month. I locked myself in the guest bathroom, peed in a cup, and took the dollar store test, and the digital test I was saving for the next morning. I sat on the cold floor, my back against the bathtub.  More faint positives. My heart was pounding. I squeezed my eyes closed as tears burst through. Could this really be it???

Oddly enough, the dollar store test gave me the strongest positive. I decided to put my special Christmas hope and dream into plan. I never thought this dream could come to fruition. I sneaked back into my room and grabbed a thin white shoe box. I had 2 little onsies that I had purchased and stashed away. The first one from a Britney Spears concert that said, "Ooops I did it again" (I know, never in public will a baby of mine wear it), the other a cute pale blue that said "Future Pro-Surfer", I got it in Newport, California. I taped 4 of the bfp tests together in twos and laid them on top of the onsies in the box. On stationary, I wrote: "Good morning DADDY. WE love you. Love, Mommy and baby." I folded it and placed it on top, and then wrapped the whole thing in Christmas paper.  I was so restless that night. My excitement and nerves were through the roof.

The next morning, I woke up at 5:15 as Matt was stirring. We cuddled for a bit, and then I offered to take care of the dogs. I took another test downstairs and got another faint bfp. Soon enough, Matt was downstairs. I retrieved the gift I had stashed in the guest bedroom and laid it on the counter.

"What's this?"

"An early Christmas gift. Merry Christmas eve, honey."

After he opened it and got a look inside, Matt gave me this bewildered look, and asked "Really?!" a bunch of times. I was in tears as I just kept nodding yes.  He even thought because there were two onsies in the box that we were having twins!  I told him, "No, I mean, I don't know! It's too early!".  It was the best moment of my life, telling my husband that we would finally be expecting our first baby. I'm still in shock.  Just the day before I had gotten that first bfp, my heart was so heavy because I had taken a test that morning and it was negative.  I couldn't even post words and so instead I posted The Suburbs song about wanting a daughter while I'm still young.  How quickly things can turn around!

Tonight, we will be surprising my family with the news at church. Ah! I can't believe this is all happening!!

For this child I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed, -Natalie

Surprise!! Part II-videos!!

If you haven't seen the post before this...you might want to check it out first! ...or, let yourself be in on the surprise too by checking out these videos!

Here is the Christmas eve video of us surprising my family after our church service!

(Yes, and that was me shushing my mom...I swear, she wanted to tell the whole world right then and there!)

Now, this is the video of us surprising Matt's family on Christmas day!

...and just when you didn't think it could get any better...it does. :) Here is a video of yesterday's 11 week sonogram: our dancing babies.  I know, you probably had to turn your volume down for the above videos...but turn it back up a little for this one!

There really aren't words to describe how I truly feel about becoming a mom, Matt becoming a dad, and having these two miraculous babies join our family.  I have prayed for this for so long!  God has been and continues to be so good to me!  It is proof to me that if you put your trust in Him, how blessed you will be.  Each time we see our babies on these sonograms, the love I have for my husband grows so much!  If you could only see his face when he films the sonograms! I should really be filming him...it's such a special thing.

Thank you so much for the kind words and congratulations.  The joy of sharing this news makes my heart want to burst with happiness.  Our babies are going to be born into so much love!

Dancing on cloud 9, -Natalie

Surprise!!!

What would you think if I told you that I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas?

...well, I did. I'm pregnant!!!!!...and I am the happiest girl in the world!!

The day after being heartbroken over two negative tests and posting Music for lack of words, I got the positive test I have dreaming of.  I told Matt and my family on Christmas eve and his family on Christmas day.

It was amazing surprising our families! Matt had our camera set up on a tripod, and after saying "cheese" for a family picture, he switched the camera over to record and said, "everyone say, Natalie's pregnant!" It was awesome!!

We are so very blessed and grateful for this enormous gift that we have been given.  Oh, and there is another even more amazing blessing: WE ARE HAVING TWINS!!! Our babies are due at the end of the summer.

I have been dreaming, way before I was even pregnant, of sharing this moment with the world. Now, to be able to do it, is indescribable.  Today, I am 11 weeks, 1 day pregnant.  This week, our babies are the size of a large plum each.

Yesterday we had our 3rd sonogram. Our babies like to move!! They were dancing for us as we watched them with smiles so big!

...and don't think I have kept my blog in the dark since I have known I was pregnant.  I have been writing hidden posts of everything that has been going on up until now.  I will start publishing them, everyday until it is caught up, starting tomorrow.  Can't wait to share these posts with you!!

I have been trying, for hours now this morning, to upload the videos of us surprising our families and of our tiny dancing babies.  I'm so anxious to share this blog with everyone though that I have now decided to include the videos in a separate post. I am shaking with excitement to post and share this!!!  My heart is pounding...

It has been so very difficult not sharing my news with everyone.  I couldn't bear the risk of something going wrong and having to answer to more than a handful of people.  Holding this secret in has been so difficult, not only for me, but to my family and best friends.  It's out now!

I'M PREGNANT WITH TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

I am so thrilled and over-joyed.  THANKFUL.  Welcome to my new journey.  :)

I'm going to be a mommy!, -Natalie

Song so nice, I'm sharin' it twice

Remember when I didn't have much to say, so I posted this song?

I was in a tough place.  My heart longed to have a baby.  It hurt.

Since then, my perspective has changed.  I can't wait to have a baby in my arms.  All thanks to God, my heart doesn't hurt for it anymore.  There is hope. Grace. Peace.

Here is the Arcade Fire version of the song, live from Bonnaroo 2011:

I know, he's a bit sweaty.  Allow yourself to fall into the song, and that minute detail will fade away like an evening shadow.  I love this song. 

I love...
...this song.

It reminds me that even though negative feelings can sometime creep in, you keep your faith and keep on moving, keep on hoping, keep on living. 

"Sometimes I can't believe it, I'm moving past the feeling." 

Like I mentioned before, I really love the part where it is sung,

"So can you understand, why I want a daughter while I'm still young?  I want to hold her hand and show her some beauty before this damage is done. But if it's too much to ask, if it's too much to ask, then send me a son." 

These lyrics light such a fire in my heart. 
I want a daughter while I'm still young!!!
...and of course, I would be more than happy with a son.  I've played this song over and over since it came out last year.  I teared up when I heard it live at ACL (Austin City Limits music festival).

Feelings of growing up and of my childhood are stirred all at the same time. 

So, there you go.  My encore post of The Suburbs, this time with words.

Now, let's listen to that song again, -Natalie