No means NO! Shouldn't it?

**Warning: This post contains information that may be TMI for some.**

I hope to keep this one short and sweet mostly due to the fact that my mood right now could be simply summed up with "ugghhh" as I frown and look down to the side......

Why can't "no", just mean "no" in the pregnancy test world?!

I am on CD 34 and I am 11 DPO. I have currently seen 4 BFN pregnancy tests every morning since CD 8. What's frustrating, is that as much as I want a BFP, it is hard when I see a BFN because I know that there is still a chance that it could be positive. My luteal phase is 15 days and I am not yet what most consider "late". It might seem crazy that I don't like the "maybe" that a negative pregnancy test gives. The only thing that is crazy right now is me, and it's because of these negative tests. Can't we just rip it away like a Band-Aid instead of these steady negatives I have been receiving?

The easy solution would be for me to not test until after I am past 15 DPO. Then I would know that I had missed my normal CD 1. The problem is that I have seen successful charts in Fertility Friend, and many of the women get BFP tests as early as 8 DPO.

Then there are the symptoms....(and here is where some TMI is)

•  My boobs literally feel like they are about to burst out of my skin. Swinging my arm into the sides of them hurts. Getting undressed for bed hurts. This has been going on since late last week.
• Mood swings. The last 2 weekends in a row I have found myself crying over something. Today I could kick a ball. I could punch a bag. I could really kick or hit anything. I feel really tense and I just think putting force into kicking or hitting would feel really good.
• Extra hormonal. I saw my dentist last week and was told that it appeared I must have something extra hormonal going on because of more-than-normal bleeding in my lower gums.
• Spotting. Since 9 DPO I have been spotting sometimes dark brown sometimes faint pink. Implantation? I feel like 3 days of spotting may be too long for implantation, but IDK.

As a woman who is TTC, what is also frustrating is that these symptoms COULD be early pregnancy symptoms, BUT they COULD also just be normal little 'ol PMS. Blech.

So for the next 4 days I will continue to go to sleep with plenty of hopes and prayers and wake up testing. My heart doesn't really even flutter when I test anymore. It is all kind of matter of fact. At the back of my mind I hope to see a positive, but at the front of my mind I fully plan on seeing another negative-I still analyze the silly stick from all different angles though.

Hanging out on the lower end of my TTC roller coaster, -Natalie

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

Almost to the mid-point of the icky 2WW.

Today I am 5 DPO. On Monday, I put my third consecutive high temperature into Fertility Friend, and got my cross-hairs to display-separating my follicular phase (the phase where the follicles prepare to release an egg) and my luteal phase (the phase after ovulation has occurred).

Here is an example

Implantation usually occurs about a week after ovulation. Sometimes, your temperature will take a dip during implantation. This morning my temperature shot up to 97.9, the last couple of days it has been at 97.6. I'm curious to see what it will do the next few days.

I was extremely hopeful last month. I cannot help but be extremely hopeful this month. Our "talking" time was impeccable. These "conversations" can actually also be inputted into FF, and we scored high, no pun intended.

Yessss!

Some of my friends have concerns that I might become, or already am, too consumed with worry and stress about TTC. Honestly, it has its ups and downs. Yes, becoming pregnant would make me indescribably happy, but not being pregnant yet is not something that is breaking me or making me crazy. Faith is what keeps me from not going crazy. I am still active in trying however-and this is why I take and record my temperatures. I think there is a difference between being active in TTC and being obsessed.

Nothing is more frustrating than when I am told, "just relax...and let it happen...." If you have the knowledge and the tools to allow you to actively pursue the MIRACLE OF LIFE, (miracle: an extraordinary event. You have hours in a day out of a month that this happens, and only a 20% chance even if you get everything right.) then why the heck not utilize them?

Well, I just had a little rant the last couple of paragraphs, didn't I?

Haha...I have been kind of (my sister will tell you "really") emotional the last few days. Extra hormonal? On Sunday, I hardly made it through our church service. I literally was crying my eyes out and breathing in a way that came out pathetically choppy. Why? ...because they had changed all of the familiar church songs that I love. It makes me sad, but normally I wouldn't be so noticeably distressed.

Weird question: Many people often smell asparagus while in the loo shortly after eating it and even the next day..I am one of those. Today, while I was straightening my hair, I smelled asparagus! Has this ever happened to anyone?? I was in the guest bathroom, too...not the one I use to actually go to the bathroom in.  IDK....

Matt seeing me like this would never in a zillion years happen...I just thought this was cute. :)

Maybe just a little crazy, -Natalie

O! ...there you are!!

Well, helloooo temperature spike!

That's right, this morning I saw my temperature jump from 96.8 allll the way to 97.6 degrees. I am currently on CD 24. Last month I O'd CD 22, and this month Fertility Friend predicted I would O on CD 24. My body decided to compromise with CD 23.

I was kind of worried that with such a crazy month...multiple time changes between Hawaii, back to Texas, then to Florida, and then back to Texas...I would have a difficult time tracking my temperatures. BUT, I somehow managed and everything just kind of fell into place!

Let me tell you a little about Florida.

We, Matt and me, FIL and MIL, arrived in Orlando on a Friday and after picking up our rental car, we made the hour long drive to The Villages-the mecca for "active adult retirees"- where FIL and MIL have a house.

One of the town squares in The Villages

It really is gorgeous there. It rained the entire weekend, but we enjoyed strolling through one of the town squares that first night, seeing what different vendors had to offer while listening to a local band play and sipping on wine. The next morning we had a yummy Dutch-inspired (by Matt's Opa) breakfast that consisted of a variety of toasted breads, cheeses, and deli meats. We drove to a HUGE flea market and spent the day shopping around. That night and the next day we kind of lazied around watching movies and lounging in comfy clothes.

In The Villages, golf carts are the vehicle of choice!

On Sunday we were to drive back to Orlando where we would be staying at the Gaylord Palms Hotel for the next couple of days. It was unknown to Matt and me if we would be sharing a room with his parents. Since I knew the next week would be my most fertile time, I asked Matt to mention it to his parents that we would prefer our own room. He couldn't do it. So that day, while at lunch, it was revealed that we would be sharing a room with MIL and FIL.

I felt my heart drop. I couldn't miss my window for the month! I tried to remain composed and finish the rest of my lunch, but I was very preoccupied with worry.  The drive to the hotel was long and I blamed my silence on car sickness, which was true, but it was a combination of that and my fretting. 

That night, after a few cocktails, MIL asked if I really hadn't known that we would be sharing a room and if I was ok. I confessed to my worries and she immediately scolded me (in the kind of way you want to be scolded, a relieving and understanding kind of way) for not saying anything. Before I knew it, the four of us were in the lobby getting Matt and me our own room. I was beaming with relief and gratitude. Opportunity not lost! (Side note: Yes, this was a bit awkward. ..but, we could not lose the opportunity for talking in our own room. It was important that we talked alone, every night.)

Inside the Gaylord: These are real plants. There are also alligators!

The next several days were filled with shopping, they have an amazing outlet mall, eating at yummy restaurants, and enjoying our stay in Florida. I also got to meet up with an old friend to meet her 3 week old baby! Krissy is the younger sister of one of my oldest and dearest friends, Nicole. Thank you Krissy for letting me come by and visit...and Nicole, I wish you could have been there to meet sweet Athen with me!

Me with sweet baby Athen

We returned Thursday morning and now as it is Saturday, I am trying to get back to normal life. I am happy to be getting back into the swing of things, and I am anxious to finish emptying my suitcase and get everything put away.

I am still carrying around the Clomid that I wasn't able to use this month. Prayers and good thoughts that perhaps this will be our month! I am still ever so positive and optimistic.

Please? -Natalie

Hawaii 2011

"The loveliest fleet of islands that lies anchored in any ocean."

-Mark Twain on Hawaii



In the wee hours of Monday we returned from our fun at ACL. We had about 2 hours to finish up packing (and squeeze in another pair of shoes into my carry-on...you can never have too many shoes!) before we had to leave for the airport. I didn't have enough time to let the butterflies flutter in my stomach, one moment we were at home, the next we were being seated in the plane.

You can give me all of the statistics on the safety of flying, but it doesn't do much for me; I do not enjoy flying. I am an intelligent woman, but I just don't understand how flying is possible. It boggles my mind, and when I am in the air...all I can think about is the space between where I am and where the ground is. Having a fear of heights doesn't help.

That said, it was nice to be so very exhausted from ACL weekend and from not sleeping Sunday night. I rolled my useless neck pillow up and switched from leaning on Matt to leaning on the window the entire flight. I thanked God when we landed in Houston. I thanked God when we landed in Honolulu. I thanked God when we landed in Kona. Flying for me is a very spiritual experience.

With the 5 hours we gained, we landed in Kona at about 3:30PM. We grabbed our Jeep rental and soon arrived at the Mauna Lani Resort where we were greeted with a beautiful lei and some delicious pineapple and mint punch.

Taken just as we stepped into our room with my handy iphone



Gorgeous view from our room

That night we had an outdoor dinner and feasted on delicious Hawaiian food. I tried to soak it all in and pace myself...I did not want my trip to escape from me quickly.  I despise the "time flies when you're having fun" feeling.

The next day we decided to do some exploring.  After having a lovely breakfast-you are seated outside where you are next to a gorgeous fish pond and are close enough to hear the ocean-we rented bicycles. It was so much fun! We rode along this trail that had historical markers all along it. The Big Island is half lush forest, half desert. We were on the desert side of it. There is black lava rock everywhere! It is beautiful and nothing like I have ever seen before. Once we returned from our bicycle ride, we jumped into the jeep and headed towards town. Along the way we found a seahorse farm! It was closed that day, but we were able to check out a beautiful beach.

An old cave we found on our bicycle ride

The beach by the seahorse farm

We had dinner at the Mauna Lani again that night and watched the sun go down.

Sunset before dinner

Early the next morning, we drove up to the Kahua Ranch in Waimea, Hawaii. We went horseback riding-the first time for me in years!-had a good 'ol barbecue, and napped on a hill while we were waiting for our bus ride back into town. There were two drawbacks to this day: first, while horseback riding, I lost one of my favorite earrings-very novice of me to have worn them in the first place, and I sunburned my lips-I should have known better. (Mom and MIL-I have 5 different types of SPF chapstick in my purse as I type this...it will never happen again.) We took the rest of the day nice and easy and had sushi for dinner in Kona. On the walk back to our car we stepped into a bar after hearing a great band play from outside it. We stayed as they played the last few songs of their gig and then called it a night.

Kahua Ranch

Pretty rainbow

Mine was named Freckles..he was pretty slow, but suited me just fine!

It tasted as good as it looks.

Although I didn't start Thursday in the best of spirits, the day ended up being one of my favorites. We finally were able to visit the seahorse farm, found a great beach to swim at, took part in some Hawaii graffiti, and went to a luau!! The waves that we swam in crash right on shore...fun, but a little dangerous. After getting flipped and meeting the sand of the shore on my back, I decided it was time for me to get out. I got over it quickly though.

Holding a seahorse!

Matt's little guy

The water was so clear!



Ahh!



My graffiti





Luau

A beautiful and delicious cocktail? Don't mind if I do!

Friday, we drove up the mountain and to the Mauna Kea Observatory and to the other side of the island. It's crazy watching your temperature gage drop the higher up you drive. We each ate our favorite meal from L&L, and then later that night had a fancy-pants dinner at the Canoe House.


Katsu chicken

At the peak of a mountain he hiked up



Loco moco: 2 beef patties topped w/ fried eggs



Kona clams

Ahualoa goat cheese salad



Prime strip loin

As much as I wanted the days to slowly go by, I was super eager for Saturday to come, it was my spa day! I began with a coconut-vanilla spa bath. It took place outside in this gorgeous tub made of black volcanic rocks and filled with fragrant, warm bubbly water that had hibiscus flowers floating on top. Unfortunately, I did not enjoy it that much. Crazy?! Yes. ...but I was facing the sun with a now swollen lower lip and I spotted TWO CREEPY LIZARDS peeping at me from various places in the rocks. The second lizard gave me no choice but to scramble out stark-naked when I saw it crawling by my head. Did I mention I'm terrified of lizards..? I switched my outside massage to inside and concluded the visit with a facial that made me feel like I was in heaven.

For our final night we went manta ray diving!! I still can't believe I did it. This was the deal I made with Matt though, since I refused to get into a helicopter we were given an opportunity to go in. It was SPECTACULAR. AMAZING. BREATHTAKING. What an experience to see such large creatures within inches of us! It was kind of terrifying though, returning to the boat a little earlier than others, without a light. I wondered what other large creatures could be sharing the water close to or under me. Thankfully we made it safe. We also met a fabulous couple from London that we enjoyed conversation with the entire way back and then some! So nice to have met you Lydia and Neil..we hope you enjoyed the rest of your honeymoon in Oahu and in Asia!


Ready to check the manta rays out!



We hold onto a surf board that has lights attached to it which  attract plankton. The manta rays feed on it!



Spa bathtub-after I leaped out



On our last day, I was really excited to get some more snorkeling in. We went to this really great spot that Matt had found. Aside from some pesky box jelly fish roaming around, the water felt so refreshing and we had an awesome time checking everything out.



Ha ha..I adore Matt's smile here



We sadly left the island late in the afternoon on Sunday and arrived back home at 10:30AM on Monday. I can't believe it has already been almost 2 weeks since we left! Tonight I am packing for Florida. We will be there for a week with MIL and FIL. (Should I add that to my abbreviations? It's mother/father-in-law.) I'm looking forward to it! Who said summer was the best time for vacations? We are going for fun and also for a dealer show.  I should be near O while I'm there, so...what's that saying?...if the van's a' rockin, don't come a' knockin? :)

Aloha, -Natalie

ACL 2011

I had such a great time at the Austin City Limits Music Festival (ACL) this year. We saw some great bands, had some delicious food, and enjoyed the company of wonderful friends.

The weather was amaaazing. Friday it lightly rained and Saturday it POURED on us as we walked into the entrance of ACL. One might question why I describe this as amaaazing. However, if you are questioning it, you must not know about the incredible drought we have had in Texas and that we received more rain in January then we did between February and September, at least here in south Texas. It was awesome. Everyone raised their faces to the sky to receive the refreshing first few drops as they were released from the clouds. On Sunday we had to endure the steam of the intense Austin heat sending the rain back up, but it was still worth it.

To put it quite simply, ACL is not just about the killer bands you get to see and hear, it is an experience. You are among THOUSANDS of people all day until about 10:30 at night Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. You sit with your friends in messy circles from one stage to the next as you wait for the bands to play. A forest of legs surround you from the people who stand up early. The food. Oh, the food. Once a year I look forward to Mighty Cone; a paper cone-cup lined with a tortilla and filled with cabbage slaw, crispy fried avocado, shrimp, or chicken that is coated with a mouth-watering Jack Daniels tasting sauce with sesame seeds, and then everything is drizzled with a super yummy spicy sauce. As good as this sounds, once I have one, that is all I need. Then it's on to Bess Bistro (crispy artichoke hearts)-owned by Sandra Bullock, Aquarelle (steak frit sandwich), or Boomerang's Pies (thai veggie pie). I drink Sweet Leaf Mint & Honey Greet Tea the entire time. Austin has some of the best options for local food. If you haven't already, definitely check some of them out.

Steak frit sandwich

Mighty Cone

Friday was jam-packed , pun intended, with amazing bands. We saw Theophilus London, Wild Beasts, Brandi Carlile, Delta Spirit, James Blake, Ray LaMontagne, Cold War Kids, Foster the People, Pretty Lights, and Kanye West.

Betsy's graduation present from us: Her 1st ACL!

2003 was OUR 1st ACL

Saturday was another great day filled with fun and music. We saw Young the Giant, City and Colour, Iron and Wine, Skrillix, Cut Copy, Chromeo, and Stevie Wonder.

Taking a break from the rain during City and Colour

Betsy, drenched from being just back from front row @ Skrillix

Group picture before Stevie Wonder

On Sunday we slowed it down a little and had a nice brunch at Juan in a Million (get it?). We were exhausted from the last couple days of jumping around and endless walking. It wasn't hard to get back in gear though because we had an awesome last day to look forward to. We saw The Airborne Toxic Event, AWOLNATION, Ryan Bingham, Fleet Foxes, and Arcade Fire.

Juan in a Million brunch

The start of day 3..waiting for The Airborne Toxic Event

We enjoyed staying on the ground for Ryan Bingham with our friends.

My "baby" sister didn't know how tiring ACL can be!

On our way to Arcade Fire!

I love this guy. Especially when I have him with me watching one of my favorite bands-Arcade Fire.

Last week we got our 2012 tickets for ACL. We don't know who is playing, but you know what? We never do. We always get our tickets prior to knowing what the line-up is and it is always worth it.

As I finish this post and begin to prepare my Hawaii post, while it is still October 5th, I have mention that today is Matt's birthday.

Happy birthday, Matt! I am so thankful for the day you were born!!

If music be the food of love, play on. -Natalie