Not telling people

DECEMBER 29, 2011
PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED POST 2 of 9

Today I wrote the timing post. I wrote about how it wasn't the time for me to share the news that I so wanted to share-however, it wasn't me that I was talking about, it was for my blog.  It wasn't the time yet to share it here.  We have agreed to only have our family and a small handful of our family friends know. Not sharing my happy news on my blog is killing me...and kind of breaking my heart.  Until we are in the clear with this pregnancy, we aren't sharing the news.

I had always been excited about my little "plan" to surprise everyone once I had cleared my first trimester. I had no idea how hard it would be. Brittany O.: today you wrote on my fb that you were eager to read my blog. This was the week after Christmas. I sooo wanted to tell you!

Writing these unpublished posts, and then releasing them, will hopefully make up for my little trick of surprising everyone in February. I have a feeling it is going to be hard to come up with posts that don't have to do with me being pregnant. In the first trimester, your risk for miscarriage ( I despise even typing that word) is at it's highest. I just couldn't bear having to tell more than my family and a handful of friends if that were to happen.  Hopefully you can understand.

So, if you stuck around, through my non-baby posts, thank you. I tried not to blatantly lie in the Timing post.  Hopefully now that you know, read it again, you'll see the truth shining through it.

One happy and thankful mommy, -Natalie

The night and morning we found out

DECEMBER 24, 2011
PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED POST 1 of 9

Yesterday I got my very first faint bfp.

It was right before Matt and I were to go out for sushi for Christmas eve-eve. Never did I expect to see those two lines before dinner! I had bought the tests to take on Christmas eve and Christmas day, but couldn't help myself and tested early.

I knew I couldn't tell Matt yet. What if I was wrong? I needed more tests, more results. I needed to put my "let's go to dinner" face on and act completely normal. I had a special way I wanted to tell Matt.

Dinner was almost impossible. It was all I could think of. I tried not to seem distracted. Later that night, I thought I only had 2 tests left. I decided to hold onto them until the next morning, so I could hopefully get a stronger line.  I was overcome with nerves as I lie in bed. I tossed and turned and tried to put it out of my mind. I would get excited, and then I would shake my head, "no...don't be excited, don't get your hopes up"-I would try to tell myself. After a few hours of this I finally decided to get up, I had to use the bathroom reaaaaallly bad, and scavenge for another test. Low and behold, I found a dollar store test from last month. I locked myself in the guest bathroom, peed in a cup, and took the dollar store test, and the digital test I was saving for the next morning. I sat on the cold floor, my back against the bathtub.  More faint positives. My heart was pounding. I squeezed my eyes closed as tears burst through. Could this really be it???

Oddly enough, the dollar store test gave me the strongest positive. I decided to put my special Christmas hope and dream into plan. I never thought this dream could come to fruition. I sneaked back into my room and grabbed a thin white shoe box. I had 2 little onsies that I had purchased and stashed away. The first one from a Britney Spears concert that said, "Ooops I did it again" (I know, never in public will a baby of mine wear it), the other a cute pale blue that said "Future Pro-Surfer", I got it in Newport, California. I taped 4 of the bfp tests together in twos and laid them on top of the onsies in the box. On stationary, I wrote: "Good morning DADDY. WE love you. Love, Mommy and baby." I folded it and placed it on top, and then wrapped the whole thing in Christmas paper.  I was so restless that night. My excitement and nerves were through the roof.

The next morning, I woke up at 5:15 as Matt was stirring. We cuddled for a bit, and then I offered to take care of the dogs. I took another test downstairs and got another faint bfp. Soon enough, Matt was downstairs. I retrieved the gift I had stashed in the guest bedroom and laid it on the counter.

"What's this?"

"An early Christmas gift. Merry Christmas eve, honey."

After he opened it and got a look inside, Matt gave me this bewildered look, and asked "Really?!" a bunch of times. I was in tears as I just kept nodding yes.  He even thought because there were two onsies in the box that we were having twins!  I told him, "No, I mean, I don't know! It's too early!".  It was the best moment of my life, telling my husband that we would finally be expecting our first baby. I'm still in shock.  Just the day before I had gotten that first bfp, my heart was so heavy because I had taken a test that morning and it was negative.  I couldn't even post words and so instead I posted The Suburbs song about wanting a daughter while I'm still young.  How quickly things can turn around!

Tonight, we will be surprising my family with the news at church. Ah! I can't believe this is all happening!!

For this child I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed, -Natalie

Surprise!! Part II-videos!!

If you haven't seen the post before this...you might want to check it out first! ...or, let yourself be in on the surprise too by checking out these videos!

Here is the Christmas eve video of us surprising my family after our church service!

(Yes, and that was me shushing my mom...I swear, she wanted to tell the whole world right then and there!)

Now, this is the video of us surprising Matt's family on Christmas day!

...and just when you didn't think it could get any better...it does. :) Here is a video of yesterday's 11 week sonogram: our dancing babies.  I know, you probably had to turn your volume down for the above videos...but turn it back up a little for this one!

There really aren't words to describe how I truly feel about becoming a mom, Matt becoming a dad, and having these two miraculous babies join our family.  I have prayed for this for so long!  God has been and continues to be so good to me!  It is proof to me that if you put your trust in Him, how blessed you will be.  Each time we see our babies on these sonograms, the love I have for my husband grows so much!  If you could only see his face when he films the sonograms! I should really be filming him...it's such a special thing.

Thank you so much for the kind words and congratulations.  The joy of sharing this news makes my heart want to burst with happiness.  Our babies are going to be born into so much love!

Dancing on cloud 9, -Natalie

Surprise!!!

What would you think if I told you that I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas?

...well, I did. I'm pregnant!!!!!...and I am the happiest girl in the world!!

The day after being heartbroken over two negative tests and posting Music for lack of words, I got the positive test I have dreaming of.  I told Matt and my family on Christmas eve and his family on Christmas day.

It was amazing surprising our families! Matt had our camera set up on a tripod, and after saying "cheese" for a family picture, he switched the camera over to record and said, "everyone say, Natalie's pregnant!" It was awesome!!

We are so very blessed and grateful for this enormous gift that we have been given.  Oh, and there is another even more amazing blessing: WE ARE HAVING TWINS!!! Our babies are due at the end of the summer.

I have been dreaming, way before I was even pregnant, of sharing this moment with the world. Now, to be able to do it, is indescribable.  Today, I am 11 weeks, 1 day pregnant.  This week, our babies are the size of a large plum each.

Yesterday we had our 3rd sonogram. Our babies like to move!! They were dancing for us as we watched them with smiles so big!

...and don't think I have kept my blog in the dark since I have known I was pregnant.  I have been writing hidden posts of everything that has been going on up until now.  I will start publishing them, everyday until it is caught up, starting tomorrow.  Can't wait to share these posts with you!!

I have been trying, for hours now this morning, to upload the videos of us surprising our families and of our tiny dancing babies.  I'm so anxious to share this blog with everyone though that I have now decided to include the videos in a separate post. I am shaking with excitement to post and share this!!!  My heart is pounding...

It has been so very difficult not sharing my news with everyone.  I couldn't bear the risk of something going wrong and having to answer to more than a handful of people.  Holding this secret in has been so difficult, not only for me, but to my family and best friends.  It's out now!

I'M PREGNANT WITH TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

I am so thrilled and over-joyed.  THANKFUL.  Welcome to my new journey.  :)

I'm going to be a mommy!, -Natalie

Song so nice, I'm sharin' it twice

Remember when I didn't have much to say, so I posted this song?

I was in a tough place.  My heart longed to have a baby.  It hurt.

Since then, my perspective has changed.  I can't wait to have a baby in my arms.  All thanks to God, my heart doesn't hurt for it anymore.  There is hope. Grace. Peace.

Here is the Arcade Fire version of the song, live from Bonnaroo 2011:

I know, he's a bit sweaty.  Allow yourself to fall into the song, and that minute detail will fade away like an evening shadow.  I love this song. 

I love...
...this song.

It reminds me that even though negative feelings can sometime creep in, you keep your faith and keep on moving, keep on hoping, keep on living. 

"Sometimes I can't believe it, I'm moving past the feeling." 

Like I mentioned before, I really love the part where it is sung,

"So can you understand, why I want a daughter while I'm still young?  I want to hold her hand and show her some beauty before this damage is done. But if it's too much to ask, if it's too much to ask, then send me a son." 

These lyrics light such a fire in my heart. 
I want a daughter while I'm still young!!!
...and of course, I would be more than happy with a son.  I've played this song over and over since it came out last year.  I teared up when I heard it live at ACL (Austin City Limits music festival).

Feelings of growing up and of my childhood are stirred all at the same time. 

So, there you go.  My encore post of The Suburbs, this time with words.

Now, let's listen to that song again, -Natalie

Writer's block

It's been tough to write lately.

The one thing I want to write about has been off the table for a while now.  When I started this blog, I wrote about what I made for dinner and the things that my friends or family and I were doing.

...but then last August, after an 8 month hiatus, I returned with weekly updates on my experience with trying to conceive. It has been amazing sharing my feelings and putting them into words on my blog.  It has brought me back in touch with friends from way back when-closer than we ever were before- and has even allowed me to connect with some new friends. I absolutely love it.

So, here is my plan.

Matt and I have discussed it, and we have decided to go into full blown baby mode on Valentine's day.  Exactly 2 weeks from today.

I'm so anxious to bring you along this journey with me again!  Maybe I'll write next week, or maybe I'll just save up for a really fun, and big post for Valentine's day.  We shall see....

We've got this, Cupid, -Natalie

Marathon Matt

Matt ran his first marathon this past weekend at the 2012 Chevron Houston Marathon.  It was amazing to be there. Over 28,000 runners participated in it.

I was able to cheer Matt on at three different points in the race; 18 mile mark, 22 mile mark, and the finish.  We, my sister, Andrea and brother, Travis, had been waiting for about 15 minutes when we saw Matt about to run past us at the 18 mile mark. 

I have been to several of Matt's races and usually it's kind of a "now you see me, now you don't" type of thing when he's running/biking/swimming past where I am. I immediately knew something was wrong when Matt slowed down and stopped in front of us.  As Matt gave me a hug, I gave him a quick kiss and tried to encourage him along, but he lowered himself to the ground and began stretching his legs. He was in pain.

Since about December, Matt has been complaining about a pain deep in his abdomen.  I had urged him to go to the dr sooner, but I think he didn't want to find out what could potentially be wrong until he completed this marathon.  After stopping for a few seconds longer, Matt kept running.

Quick hug at 18 mm

Continuing despite the pain

At the 22 mile mark, with Matt still wincing as he ran by, I encouraged him to walk.  This was his first marathon, there really is a victory in just completing it.  If I were to have tried to do it, I would still probably be trying to finish it, 2 days later.

Running past mile 22

As soon as Matt had passed us at the 22 mile mark, we made our way to the finish line.  I was in tears as I watched couples holding hands and raising their arms as they crossed the finish line. I couldn't wait to see Matt and feel his relief of finishing it.  More time than I was comfortable with soon passed, and I began to grow more worried about Matt. I couldn't imagine what he was going through, more tears randomly continued to fall.  Finally, I saw his familiar white hat, green shirt, grey shorts.  We yelled and cheered as loud as we could.  This was it.  He had just run a marathon.  There was a big lump in my throat.

Steps away from crossing the finish line

A look at what the home stretch looks like.

I never like the end of a big race.  You always hope to embrace your loved one just as soon as they cross the finish line.  EVERYTHING is blocked off though.  It was a good 20 minutes before we were able to reunite.  The pain in Matt's stomach had caused him to compensate by using his left knee in a weird way.  He had stopped, with one mile left, and had to sit for 5 minutes to recover from the excruciating pain his knee was causing him.

Emotions running high...

Physically and mentally depleted. He needed this hug. I couldn't wait to give it.

We returned home that day, Sunday, and on Monday Matt went to the dr.  As it turns out, it is suspected that Matt has a hernia.  He meets with the surgeon sometime this week.

I would like to thank Andrea for setting up a place for us to stay that was so close and convenient to Matt's race.  It was really nice having her and Travis there to help me root Matt along and provide me the company while he was running.  They are so great and supportive.  We enjoyed the weekend with them.

Despite the pain, Matt finished his first marathon in 4 hours, 2 seconds. I think it is amazing and I am so proud of him.  He is really disappointed- he wanted a time that was about 50 minutes better than it.  ...but that's Matt, he pushes himself so hard and is so very disciplined.  It is pretty incredible.

One proud wife, -Natalie