If at first...

Too good to be true.

I don't really care for this saying. It's as if something so perfect is not possible. I struggle to think this is why I do not have any baby news to report.

Maybe I shared too much? I talked about it very openly at ACL and shared in the excitement with friends. I invited others to be excited with me of the possibility of finding out I was pregnant in Hawaii. Was it too perfect a plan? Too easy?

Last Wednesday, after several BFN's, I shared with Matt that I didn't think becoming pregnant would be happening for us this month.  Later that evening, I found him leaning against the balcony of our room with tears in his eyes. I felt numb and emotionless as I hugged him. He had gotten his hopes up. Earlier that week, I had tried to prepare him for the possibility that it wouldn't happen. He nodded his head and said, "Yeah, I know." I think he was holding onto this amazing notion that it was going to work for us though. I was, too.

The next morning I woke up with a heavy heart. We had breakfast and then I returned to bed while Matt went swimming. The cloud of sadness around me was thick. That afternoon we had arranged to go to a seahorse farm. During the drive there, I tried to kick the feeling I was having. I selected Monster by Kanye West (I know, he's a dooshmagoosh, but I always feel inclined to pray for him-for whatever reason, the Lord put Kanye on my heart, I don't know why.) on my ipod and blared it in our Jeep rental. As Matt's head was bobbing to the music, I suddenly took a deep breath and tears began streaming underneath my Ray Bans.  I squeezed my eyes closed, but it was too late...this cry was in full swing.

Matt finally became privy to what was going on with me when my sister called. Hoping to talk it out with her, I turned the music down and answered the phone. There was silence on my end as she asked me what we were doing, I was choked up. I started to tell her that I was having an emotional day, but she confused my silence and choked up words with a bad connection. I cleared my throat and made a good attempt to have a normal conversation. It worked...and I'm glad it did. It allowed me not to dwell in my sadness and was a good distraction. We proceeded to walk in to the seahorse farm. Matt gave my hand a squeeze and I nodded an "I'm ok" kind of nod.

Thankfully, with the exception of a sunburned lower lip-it's a swollen, tuna looking lip right now-we were able to enjoy the remaining days of our vacation. With prayer I retrieved my positive outlook that everything would work out.

I am now in a new cycle. I believe I am on CD 7. Unfortunately, I did not have a clear CD 1. After consulting with my dr., I am not able to do Clomid this cycle. I had already purchased my next prescription of Clomid and had brought it with me to Hawaii, so now I guess I'll have it ready for next time. Who knows, maybe with all this new knowledge I have gained, maybe becoming pregnant will be sans drugs. Wouldn't that be great?

I will blog about all of the fun we had at ACL and in Hawaii for my next post, pictures included. It was tough sitting down to write about these tough moments. However, I couldn't forge my way to the fun post without including this post. TTC has it's difficult moments, but I-we, if you are TTC also-will continue to get through them. WHEN I finally have success and become pregnant, it will sweeten the end of my journey all the more.

Try, try again, -Natalie

Bun in the oven?

Seven days a week I have an alarm set to wake me up at 7:15 AM. 

Before I even sit up, I take my temperature, orally mind you. (Until a few days ago, Matt thought I was taking my BBT somewhere else..no way jose!) Usually I go back to sleep for a little longer-if it's a work day-or a lot longer-if it's the weekend. Then, when I am actually ready to get out of bed, I turn my thermometer back on and quickly read what my temperature was when I took it...I have to be really ready to read it because the memory feature only displays the last temperature it took for like 2 seconds. Fortunately, there is a handy Fertility Friend app on my iphone and so I am able to plug my BBT in while I am still sitting in bed.

Since last week I had been waiting to see a few more high temperatures to confirm O. I made Matt jump when I suddenly gasped, "I GOT MY CROSS-HAIRS!!" this past Sunday.

As you see, once your temperatures confirm ovulation, you get cross-hairs on your chart where it occurred-separating your follicle phase and your luteal phase vertically and your lower and higher temperatures horizontally. Not only did I get my O confirmed, but it was also confirmed that it did in fact happen on my birthday! I was thrilled!

Currently, I am on CD 31 and I am 7 DPO. Check out my chart!

So now I'm right in the middle of my 2WW...and a lot of hopeful praying!

Matt and I have been super busy getting prepared for the Austin City Limits Music Festival (ACL). We look forward to going to it just as soon as we leave the last day of ACL every year! This will be my seventh time going and I'm really excited to see Coldplay, Arcade Fire, Ray LaMontagne, among other really great bands this year.

ACL 2010

ACL 2008

Just after Arcade Fire plays their last bravo, we are going to high-tail it back home where only a few hours later at 7:00 AM we will be catching one of three flights to HAWAII for a wonderful 7 days. I am so looking forward to it! A couple of years ago we were able to go to Oahu-Waikiki, Honolulu-and it was sooo beautiful! This year we will be going to the Big Island. Matt has all sorts of things planned for us, he's really great at that. That I know of, we will be horse-back riding, night-time manta ray diving, going to a luau, and I'm going to sneak in a spa day as well! Lately we couldn't be more in love and happy with each other...this trip is going to be amazing!

Hawaii 2009

You may have already guessed that the end of my 2WW will be right in the middle of our trip. I do plan on taking a test while we are there...and if I give in to the temptation, maybe a few before. Whether this cycle is a success or not, it will not make or break our trip. This cycle has been such a blessing...I have learned so much about myself and the whole process has really brought Matt and me much closer to each other and in our desire to have a baby.

I have been day dreaming of the possibilities non-stop. I have a few really exciting plans for our family and friends, and for the readers of my blog! You will just have to see...it will be worth the wait. ;)

I haven't decided if I will blog or not while I am in Hawaii. I'm sure Matt will want to surf, so maybe I'll steal some time then. 

Until next time: Sweet baby if you exist and are working your way up to the 9 month growing spot, please know that I already love you so much and that I pray for your existance and health every night and a few times everyday.  There are many of us that are so anxious for your arrival, finally Anna H. is even on board! I trust I will know of you at the perfect time and I am so ready for that time to come.

More so, -Natalie

Oh my O!

My birthday could not have come at a better time. The week before it, I found myself kind of in a slump. My temperature had not risen, which indicated to me that I had not ovulated. I was beginning to feel fearful, sad, and a little in despair. Could there be something wrong with me?

It was difficult to write. Sometimes I feel inclined only to write about my positive and hopeful feelings. If I am going to keep this blog honest though, it's important that I share that I don't always feel optimistic. Sometimes the longing I feel to be a mother weighs very heavy on my heart.

The wonderful time I had this past weekend with my family and friends was a great distraction for me. I really needed it.  There were times when I would catch myself in a daze, but for the most part everyone kept me thoroughly engaged and not lacking of a smile.  I am very thankful for it.

I am also thankful that on my actual birthday, I took an opk and saw another bfp!

Matt happened to be in my office when I got the result. Yes...I know, it's kind of weird that I had it in my office, but I don't like hanging around in the bathroom for the 4 minutes it takes to get the result.  I was doubtful of the bfp at first. But...

..the next morning my temperature spiked!!

Finally! From this information, I believe I may have O'd on my birthday! What a nice gift, huh?!  To confirm this, I need to see a sustained rise in my temperature of at least 3 high temperatures. This morning it dipped down a little bit, but that is not uncommon. I'm anxious to see what my next few temperatures will read.

Moving forward, I am going to try and blog through my feelings of "downess". I think it helps me to not hold those feelings in and let them fester. Wish me luck!


Deep breath, -Natalie

My birthday!

The last few days have been so wonderful. Tuesday was my birthday and the entire weekend was spent with family and friends.

Saturday night kicked it off with Anna H. and Sarah coming in town. Matt and I enjoyed a nice evening with them, Gabe, Anna C., Chris, and Knox, and Andrea and Travis-who joined us later. (I'm referencing names so when I'm reading this in the future I'll have a better recollection of it.) On Sunday Anna H., Sarah, Andrea and I went to a few antique stores downtown while Matt, Gabe and Travis went surfing. While at the store I saw the most adorable vintage little girl booties...I couldn't bring myself to buy them though.

Some fishing Saturday night!

Matt and Betsy

That night we had a few more friends over for an hor devours and cocktail party. It was a really great group that included: Anna, Chris, Knox, Anna, Sarah, Gabe, Clay, Amanda, Mel., Cash, Cal, Travis, Betsy, Matt, Brett, Cody, Melissa, Maverick, Melissa, Eleanor, Tyson, Amy, Landon, baby Eleanor, Nora, Martin, Sarah, Ronnie, and Cameron. (Hopefully I remembered everybody!) I lined our bar with mini quiches, chips and salsa, pita and pink salsa, a fruit tray, pumpernickel bread with smoked salmon, horseradish sauce and capers, and southwestern egg rolls.  It seems as though my birthday gift theme was candles, flowers, and wine because now I find myself with a lovely assortment of them! There was great conversation and swimming and dancing!

Some of the girls and Knox

Knox's favorite boxes

Anna Natalie Anna

Tending to my appetizers

Great smile, Anna!

Ready, jump!

Now watch me!

My best memory was sitting on the couch talking to Eleanor about my baby plans when Anna H. interrupted to say she needed to talk to me. I followed her with Eleanor out through the garage door and got a great surprise. Everyone had lit sparklers and were singing me happy birthday! It was so beautiful and awesome! They were horseshoed around a BEAUTIFUL hot pink bicycle and a lovely waffle cake.  I was so in awe of the sparklers, I didn't even notice the bike until half way through! My husband and friends are the best. It was a very happy moment. This was two days before my birthday.

My birthday surprise!

How could he not love my bike?!

The next day was kind of a lazy day filled with movies and lots of water. That night we had a family birthday party and we were joined with my mom and dad, Betsy, Andrea, Travis, MIL and FIL, Brian, Dawn, Kristian, and Journey, Bob and Betty. I put out baked beef and cheese flour tortilla rolls and more of the salmon on pumpernickel. We had lasagna and salad and my mom made me my favorite cake: strawberry cake with Jello No-Bake Cheesecake as the icing topped with fresh strawberries. We had a great time. This was the day before my birthday.

Family picture...but where is Matt?

Blowing out my candles with Kristian

On my actual birthday, I woke up to Matt asking me to come downstairs. He had a pretty little present display on the kitchen table. In my morning stupor I slowly unwrapped some cute clothes and a pretty pair of earrings. He was very sweet to wait until my birthday to let me have them. That day I went to work and received very nice phone calls and facebook messages, but the best thing I received......

....I will write about in my next post!!

Sparklers, -Natalie