If at first...

Too good to be true.

I don't really care for this saying. It's as if something so perfect is not possible. I struggle to think this is why I do not have any baby news to report.

Maybe I shared too much? I talked about it very openly at ACL and shared in the excitement with friends. I invited others to be excited with me of the possibility of finding out I was pregnant in Hawaii. Was it too perfect a plan? Too easy?

Last Wednesday, after several BFN's, I shared with Matt that I didn't think becoming pregnant would be happening for us this month.  Later that evening, I found him leaning against the balcony of our room with tears in his eyes. I felt numb and emotionless as I hugged him. He had gotten his hopes up. Earlier that week, I had tried to prepare him for the possibility that it wouldn't happen. He nodded his head and said, "Yeah, I know." I think he was holding onto this amazing notion that it was going to work for us though. I was, too.

The next morning I woke up with a heavy heart. We had breakfast and then I returned to bed while Matt went swimming. The cloud of sadness around me was thick. That afternoon we had arranged to go to a seahorse farm. During the drive there, I tried to kick the feeling I was having. I selected Monster by Kanye West (I know, he's a dooshmagoosh, but I always feel inclined to pray for him-for whatever reason, the Lord put Kanye on my heart, I don't know why.) on my ipod and blared it in our Jeep rental. As Matt's head was bobbing to the music, I suddenly took a deep breath and tears began streaming underneath my Ray Bans.  I squeezed my eyes closed, but it was too late...this cry was in full swing.

Matt finally became privy to what was going on with me when my sister called. Hoping to talk it out with her, I turned the music down and answered the phone. There was silence on my end as she asked me what we were doing, I was choked up. I started to tell her that I was having an emotional day, but she confused my silence and choked up words with a bad connection. I cleared my throat and made a good attempt to have a normal conversation. It worked...and I'm glad it did. It allowed me not to dwell in my sadness and was a good distraction. We proceeded to walk in to the seahorse farm. Matt gave my hand a squeeze and I nodded an "I'm ok" kind of nod.

Thankfully, with the exception of a sunburned lower lip-it's a swollen, tuna looking lip right now-we were able to enjoy the remaining days of our vacation. With prayer I retrieved my positive outlook that everything would work out.

I am now in a new cycle. I believe I am on CD 7. Unfortunately, I did not have a clear CD 1. After consulting with my dr., I am not able to do Clomid this cycle. I had already purchased my next prescription of Clomid and had brought it with me to Hawaii, so now I guess I'll have it ready for next time. Who knows, maybe with all this new knowledge I have gained, maybe becoming pregnant will be sans drugs. Wouldn't that be great?

I will blog about all of the fun we had at ACL and in Hawaii for my next post, pictures included. It was tough sitting down to write about these tough moments. However, I couldn't forge my way to the fun post without including this post. TTC has it's difficult moments, but I-we, if you are TTC also-will continue to get through them. WHEN I finally have success and become pregnant, it will sweeten the end of my journey all the more.

Try, try again, -Natalie