This shizz is confusing!

Let's just jump right into it.

I had my progesterone tested last week. With it being a holiday week, I was prepared to not hear back for a few days. (...and I do hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving!)

According to fertility friend, I had a possible "start of a new cycle 1 day" (aka: period.) of this past Friday, which would have been cd 30. Fertility friend has not picked up an O for this cycle yet. In fact, my chart has been super confusing. On cd 19, I had a temperature spike...you'll remember that from a previous post. However, I never had a sustained temperature rise. Over our anniversary weekend, I had another temperature spike, but again, no sustained rise. Usually, you will see a definite shift in temperature change from your follicular phase to your luteal phase. Unfortunately, this has not happened for me this month.

On Monday, after still not hearing from my dr., I called and was given my progesterone results. They said that my levels were really low, which indicated to them that I did not ovulate. Meaning, that no egg was released to be fertilized. Let me school you further: when an egg is released from the follicle that holds it, the hormone progesterone is also released. Progesterone is a hot hormone and warms your body, thus making your temperature rise. Since my progesterone level was low, they assume I did not ovulate.

Today is cd 34 for me. I don't know whether to be excited that I'm "late" or if I should still be waiting to ovulate.

I am on Clomid! Clomid is supposed to MAKE me O! I had several symptoms indicating to me that I did O. Maybe I could be an exception? Because this is so very confusing, I'm dying for more information. I'm thinking about asking for an ultrasound to check out my follicles. I still feel sensations going on, so it's worth it to me to check it out.

Hopefully I will know more soon. I still have one month to conceive before 2011 is over, which is my goal!

Still scratching my head, -Natalie

Stick it to me

I'm getting my progesterone levels tested next Monday!!

What the heck does this mean? Well, don't worry. I put on some good research music and got to researching for us!

It's not a good or bad thing. ...but I am excited. Like my good friend Anna said on my facebook page, it's pro-active!

In a nutshell, progesterone testing gives information on how I ovulate. My blood is drawn, and hopefully in a timely manner, my dr. will call to give me the results. They are checking my levels of progesterone to see if I'm ovulating, when I ovulated, basically verifying that I am ovulating normally.

Kind of similar to the way my temperature rises after I have O'd, my levels of progesterone should raise as the egg is released (O) and then continue to rise for several days, falling down if I start my cycle over, or continuing to rise if I am pregnant!

Here is an interesting little tidbit: My progesterone levels would be higher if I am pregnant with multiples. Eek!

I have a very small increased chance that I might have twins from Clomid. Small.

My husband would tell you he would rather get it all done at once. Me? If it happens, it happens and I will feel so very blessed and happy to be pregnant with either one or two babies.

...and might I add this. I despise needles getting any where near me. Truly fear it.

Yep. This is how I always imagine it.

...but I'm getting my flipping progesterone levels tested!!! I'm getting closer to having to apologize for my lack of posting because I have a baby on my arm, I have a baby keeping me up all night, I have a baby that just wants me to adore him/her all day long, etc.!!

"Oh! So sorry! I've been too busy to write.
My biggest dream came true

and I am the happiest girl in the universe...."

This is going to be me soon! I can just feel it!

Big smile, -Natalie

O, no!!

Not cool. Not cool at all.

Last cycle: O-CD 23
Two cycles ago: O-CD 24

After taking my temperature this morning, I got an unexpected surprise. ...and I wouldn't necessarily call this one a good surprise.

My temperature spiked today. Yesterday, my temperature dipped. O has not been confirmed by three consecutive temperatures, but it appears to me to be glaringly obvious that I O'd yesterday, on an unplanned, mere CD 19.

Uhhhh...and yesterday while I was aware of this small dip my temperature did (it went from 96.8 to 96.23, and then this morning to 97.05) I thought it was because I might have been cold or something.

HOW NOVICE OF ME?!

I am more educated on this stuff than that! If you are cold, or hot, no matter how you feel on the outside, it is not reflected what your temperature is basal-y.

I am so frustrated with myself. I thought I had until this coming Friday or Saturday. Yesterday, when I should have been totally focused on TTC, I spent most of the day shopping. Then I had dinner with my sister. Then I looked at all of my treasures I had purchased the rest of the night, waking up Matt in the process and not putting myself to bed until a little after 2:00 AM. Yes, really.

Hope may not be completely lost though. There is still a chance that it could happen for us from some unintentional TTC. Pre-game warm up if you will? (Note: You can become pregnant from an encounter that could have happened up to five days before O, and nothing in between.) It will just not be according to my plan.

...but maybe that's the whole point of this potenial early O.

Ah, an epiphany has come to me through typing the thoughts as they come. Since when has my plan ever been better than what God has blessed me with?

I surrender. -Natalie

Blessed are those who put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 2:12

Get..that..dirt off my shoulder!

Somehow, taking candy from a baby has now become funny.

I started to write this blog last week. It's crazy how in so short of time videos such as the one above can already be described as yesterday's news. I still think it's incredibly funny though. Surely many of you have already seen it, but to give it a little synopsis: Jimmy Kimmel asked parents to film their children while telling them they ate all of their Halloween candy. Check it out if you haven't seen it!

My shoulders are officially dusted off from last cycle's "practice" and this month I am again ready to see if we can, eh hem, score. (...? Please excuse the bad pun.) 

Anyway, my 3rd wedding anniversary is coming up! That's right, me and my husband have been married for almost 3 years...and I have been in love with the guy for 8 years!!

This is in 2005 I think. We rode bicycles to a park, spread a blanket on a hill, and watched Endless Summer.

...and this is a few months ago in San Diego!

Our big anniversary weekend falls in my most fertile time!!

...brown chicken brown cow!

For our anniversary last year, Matt reserved us a room at the Mayan Princess in Port Aransas. We had an aaaaamaaaazing time! The hotel was gorgeous. We even had a huge jacuzzi in our room!

So nice!

The Mayan Princess in Port Aransas, Texas

It was such a romantic weekend, with the exception of Matt breaking one of our wedding champagne flutes; note: if you are going to make a toast, make sure the stem of your glass is clear of the ice-bucket. :) We ate dinner at our favorite place in Port Aransas, Shells!

Shells in Port Aransas, Texas

A quick review on Shells from yours truly:

When you first step into the restaurant, it is immediately evident how low key the place is. Actually, the outside is also nothing fancy or eye catching. If you didn't know any better, you might think it's just this quaint, little bistro...to me though, it is more of a hidden gem. There is no real foyer area, so once you open the door and step inside..you're in the restaurant.

...but the food, ....oh, the food. It is quite simply delicious. I consider myself to be some-what of a foodie: a person devoted to refined sensuous enjoyment (especially good food and drink). I can appreciate even the simplest of things about good food and drink, like for example keeping hot food hot and cold food cold or perfect temperatured beverages. It is apparent that Shells shares my sentiment on this and other things. They also keep a pretty good selection of wines that you can pair with some of my favorite entrees, such as the Grouper with Sage Brown Butter, Veal Rib-eye with Green Peppercorn Dijon Cream Sauce, or the Chipotle Cream Pasta. The flavors of each dish are delicate and everything is cooked to perfection. My mouth is watering as I type this! Long story short, you must try Shells if you can!!

Since we had such a fabulous time last year, we absolutely intend on repeating it this year! Our anniversary is on a Tuesday, but we will celebrate it the weekend before...especially since I will O either that Friday, or Saturday!!
I'm on CD 14 today and I'm still feeling pretty good. I haven't noticed any weight gain this cycle, and hopefully won't either. Oddly enough, I have found myself losing some of my appetite when I eat. Maybe this Clomid isn't very consistent, IDK. My emotions are still in check and I feel pretty light-hearted. I'm happy and hopeful. Life is good.

Now, BRING ON A BABY!!

Again, please?, -Natalie

Three Little Birds

"I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter." -Walt Disney

Today is the day that I share that I am not pregnant from last month's "perfect timing" cycle. It took me a few days to get my mind and heart intact to actually write that I am without a doubt not pregnant. Isn't it crazy that you can get everything right and it's still not good enough?

I started taking Clomid again on Saturday, which was CD 3 for me. Today I am on CD 6 and feeling pretty good. Well, as good as can be.

It's ok, it's ok, it's ok...I have to remind myself, "It's ok!". It will happen when the time is right. I just really thought that I had such a strong chance. This might sound a little silly, but I feel inclined to even apologize to my readers...I know a few of you have high hopes for me, too. I really appreciate all of the nice messages and thoughtful things that are said to me. It's funny that in addition to the way I feel about not being pregnant, I feel bad for my readers as well. I had hoped to share good news with you.

So now I am in my second Clomid cycle. I hadn't mentioned this before, but last time (2 cycles ago) I took Clomid, it made me gain like almost 10 lbs!! This time I'm trying to be really aware of what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and the exercise that I now HAVE to do. I lost most of what I gained last cycle, but not all. I cannot afford to gain it back or even worse, more weight than last time, NO WAY JOSE!

It is weird how Clomid can be kind of numbing. That extra boost of estrogen is almost like a punch in the stomach-literally I get a bit of a stomachache, but also figuratively-, especially after the woes that the progesterone made me endure. I have gone from crying at the drop of a hat the last 2 weeks to now feeling extremely nonchalant. Maybe it's a blessing? I haven't cried or gotten emotional about still TTC. I have taken one day at a time, still praying, but not wallowing. I think that's all I can do, right?

"As I look forward, I'm very optimistic about the things I see ahead." -Bill Gates

Me, too, -Natalie

No means NO! Shouldn't it?

**Warning: This post contains information that may be TMI for some.**

I hope to keep this one short and sweet mostly due to the fact that my mood right now could be simply summed up with "ugghhh" as I frown and look down to the side......

Why can't "no", just mean "no" in the pregnancy test world?!

I am on CD 34 and I am 11 DPO. I have currently seen 4 BFN pregnancy tests every morning since CD 8. What's frustrating, is that as much as I want a BFP, it is hard when I see a BFN because I know that there is still a chance that it could be positive. My luteal phase is 15 days and I am not yet what most consider "late". It might seem crazy that I don't like the "maybe" that a negative pregnancy test gives. The only thing that is crazy right now is me, and it's because of these negative tests. Can't we just rip it away like a Band-Aid instead of these steady negatives I have been receiving?

The easy solution would be for me to not test until after I am past 15 DPO. Then I would know that I had missed my normal CD 1. The problem is that I have seen successful charts in Fertility Friend, and many of the women get BFP tests as early as 8 DPO.

Then there are the symptoms....(and here is where some TMI is)

•  My boobs literally feel like they are about to burst out of my skin. Swinging my arm into the sides of them hurts. Getting undressed for bed hurts. This has been going on since late last week.
• Mood swings. The last 2 weekends in a row I have found myself crying over something. Today I could kick a ball. I could punch a bag. I could really kick or hit anything. I feel really tense and I just think putting force into kicking or hitting would feel really good.
• Extra hormonal. I saw my dentist last week and was told that it appeared I must have something extra hormonal going on because of more-than-normal bleeding in my lower gums.
• Spotting. Since 9 DPO I have been spotting sometimes dark brown sometimes faint pink. Implantation? I feel like 3 days of spotting may be too long for implantation, but IDK.

As a woman who is TTC, what is also frustrating is that these symptoms COULD be early pregnancy symptoms, BUT they COULD also just be normal little 'ol PMS. Blech.

So for the next 4 days I will continue to go to sleep with plenty of hopes and prayers and wake up testing. My heart doesn't really even flutter when I test anymore. It is all kind of matter of fact. At the back of my mind I hope to see a positive, but at the front of my mind I fully plan on seeing another negative-I still analyze the silly stick from all different angles though.

Hanging out on the lower end of my TTC roller coaster, -Natalie

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

Almost to the mid-point of the icky 2WW.

Today I am 5 DPO. On Monday, I put my third consecutive high temperature into Fertility Friend, and got my cross-hairs to display-separating my follicular phase (the phase where the follicles prepare to release an egg) and my luteal phase (the phase after ovulation has occurred).

Here is an example

Implantation usually occurs about a week after ovulation. Sometimes, your temperature will take a dip during implantation. This morning my temperature shot up to 97.9, the last couple of days it has been at 97.6. I'm curious to see what it will do the next few days.

I was extremely hopeful last month. I cannot help but be extremely hopeful this month. Our "talking" time was impeccable. These "conversations" can actually also be inputted into FF, and we scored high, no pun intended.

Yessss!

Some of my friends have concerns that I might become, or already am, too consumed with worry and stress about TTC. Honestly, it has its ups and downs. Yes, becoming pregnant would make me indescribably happy, but not being pregnant yet is not something that is breaking me or making me crazy. Faith is what keeps me from not going crazy. I am still active in trying however-and this is why I take and record my temperatures. I think there is a difference between being active in TTC and being obsessed.

Nothing is more frustrating than when I am told, "just relax...and let it happen...." If you have the knowledge and the tools to allow you to actively pursue the MIRACLE OF LIFE, (miracle: an extraordinary event. You have hours in a day out of a month that this happens, and only a 20% chance even if you get everything right.) then why the heck not utilize them?

Well, I just had a little rant the last couple of paragraphs, didn't I?

Haha...I have been kind of (my sister will tell you "really") emotional the last few days. Extra hormonal? On Sunday, I hardly made it through our church service. I literally was crying my eyes out and breathing in a way that came out pathetically choppy. Why? ...because they had changed all of the familiar church songs that I love. It makes me sad, but normally I wouldn't be so noticeably distressed.

Weird question: Many people often smell asparagus while in the loo shortly after eating it and even the next day..I am one of those. Today, while I was straightening my hair, I smelled asparagus! Has this ever happened to anyone?? I was in the guest bathroom, too...not the one I use to actually go to the bathroom in.  IDK....

Matt seeing me like this would never in a zillion years happen...I just thought this was cute. :)

Maybe just a little crazy, -Natalie